A Little Bit of Fishing
Today was all about fishing. Hitting the lake in the early morning, and seeing what gigantic monsters we could reel in to feed friends and family. Ambitions were high, and it was a nice calm day out on the lake. Unfortunately, the only action that was seen was the one that got away. My sister in law had a really nice sized bass on her line, only to have it break away at the last minute. Too many fishing tales centre around the one that got away.
As good as the time was, it wasn't without its share of anxiety. The pre 6am wake up was looming over me last night, and I couldn't help but be swarmed with feelings of self doubt and anxiety. It wasn't because I was not looking forward to fishing with my relatives, but merely the fact that there was something that I had to do that I needed to be up for.
The anxiety kept me awake for hours, as I tossed around in bed, my body showing little regard for the two sleeping medications that I took. The anxiety was overwhelming, and my hand kept wanting to reach for my phone so I could shoot out a text that said I wouldn't be making it in the morning. This battle lasted well past 2am, and, needless to say, I had myself a pretty darned good nap after returning from fishing this morning.
This is something that happens all too often to me. There is something that I really want to do, something that I long for and know will be a great time, and yet the anxiety crashes down on me and makes me want to back out. There are times when the anxiety wins and I buckle, but luckily last night wasn't one of those times. I was determined to go through with it, because I knew that I would regret it if I didn't go.
Fishing is one of those activities in life that is able to reset me, and place me back at a level of zero. It is soothing, calming, and lets me leave all of my fears and worries behind as I spend time in nature and wait desperately for the fish to bite. White water kayaking is another activity that does the same thing. Having moved to Haliburton, Ontario, the hope was that I would be able to make use of the great outdoors and get a lot of those moments that took away my anxiety.
Somehow, the anxiety has managed to ruin those two things for me this year. I had once balked at a chance to go kayaking with friends, having given into the persistent anxiety that told me that it was going to be a rough time. I definitely regret that. It was one of those times that I should have kicked the anxiety in the teeth and declared that I was going to do it regardless, knowing that it would have ended up being a good time.
But it is just the overwhelming build up of anxiety before hand that keeps me from acting. I know that there are braver people than I who are able to muster through the issues of emotional turmoil and not let it stop them from living life, but I am not one of those people. I would say that I am probably living twenty five percent of the life that I should be living. That's actually being generous.
Today I could have gone with my wife over to my in-laws house to spend some good, quality time with them, but instead I settled on my extravert time being spent in the morning fishing. I stayed at home, knowing that the anxiety would probably build up while we were there, and I would eventually have to whisper into her ear that it was time to leave. I hate doing that. It has happened more times than I can count.
But, instead of sitting here and mulling over what life 'should be like' for a normal person, I am going to busy myself with my writing endeavours. Perhaps I will work on a piece of fiction that nobody is ever going to read. I have a lot of those. Along with those pieces of fiction are many rejection letters from literary agents. Heck, though. I am not going to stop trying.
As good as the time was, it wasn't without its share of anxiety. The pre 6am wake up was looming over me last night, and I couldn't help but be swarmed with feelings of self doubt and anxiety. It wasn't because I was not looking forward to fishing with my relatives, but merely the fact that there was something that I had to do that I needed to be up for.
The anxiety kept me awake for hours, as I tossed around in bed, my body showing little regard for the two sleeping medications that I took. The anxiety was overwhelming, and my hand kept wanting to reach for my phone so I could shoot out a text that said I wouldn't be making it in the morning. This battle lasted well past 2am, and, needless to say, I had myself a pretty darned good nap after returning from fishing this morning.
This is something that happens all too often to me. There is something that I really want to do, something that I long for and know will be a great time, and yet the anxiety crashes down on me and makes me want to back out. There are times when the anxiety wins and I buckle, but luckily last night wasn't one of those times. I was determined to go through with it, because I knew that I would regret it if I didn't go.
Fishing is one of those activities in life that is able to reset me, and place me back at a level of zero. It is soothing, calming, and lets me leave all of my fears and worries behind as I spend time in nature and wait desperately for the fish to bite. White water kayaking is another activity that does the same thing. Having moved to Haliburton, Ontario, the hope was that I would be able to make use of the great outdoors and get a lot of those moments that took away my anxiety.
Somehow, the anxiety has managed to ruin those two things for me this year. I had once balked at a chance to go kayaking with friends, having given into the persistent anxiety that told me that it was going to be a rough time. I definitely regret that. It was one of those times that I should have kicked the anxiety in the teeth and declared that I was going to do it regardless, knowing that it would have ended up being a good time.
But it is just the overwhelming build up of anxiety before hand that keeps me from acting. I know that there are braver people than I who are able to muster through the issues of emotional turmoil and not let it stop them from living life, but I am not one of those people. I would say that I am probably living twenty five percent of the life that I should be living. That's actually being generous.
Today I could have gone with my wife over to my in-laws house to spend some good, quality time with them, but instead I settled on my extravert time being spent in the morning fishing. I stayed at home, knowing that the anxiety would probably build up while we were there, and I would eventually have to whisper into her ear that it was time to leave. I hate doing that. It has happened more times than I can count.
But, instead of sitting here and mulling over what life 'should be like' for a normal person, I am going to busy myself with my writing endeavours. Perhaps I will work on a piece of fiction that nobody is ever going to read. I have a lot of those. Along with those pieces of fiction are many rejection letters from literary agents. Heck, though. I am not going to stop trying.
Comments
Post a Comment