Our Car Died. Yippee!
Well, our car decided to die on us the other day. That was how the day started, and it was just a way to throw anxiety onto an already simmering mess. The last week has seen its share of ups and downs, and a whole lot of not writing on this blog.
Luckily my in-laws came to the rescue over the car issue, so there is a lot less stress over that.
I would like to say that there is a good reason for not getting anything posted in a while, but that would be a lie. There is never a good reason. It just seems that my motivation sucks. This is something that has changed a lot since my struggles with anxiety began. I used to be a very motivated person, and now those days are long gone.
I am not sure what it is about anxiety and lack of motivation. The simple fact that there is something that needs to be done can cause a lot of anxiety. Even if it is something that I would normally look forward to, having an event or task on my schedule brings with it a good dosage of ill feelings. This has honestly made life very difficult. The things that would normally be refuge for me (such as taking walks, hanging out with friends, and fishing) become something that promotes the very emotion that they are supposed to dismantle.
This blog is an example of that. It was supposed to be something that I did to help me deal with the anxiety, and instead it becomes a contributor to it. There is very little left that I can do that takes away the negative feelings without adding to it as well. It leaves me in quite the situation where self-care is extremely difficult to do.
There have definitely been feelings lately of being trapped in my anxiety. That there is nowhere to turn to to keep it at a minimum, and I fear that I will become an even more isolated person because of it. There is so much that I want to do and accomplish, and yet I feel like I am letting the mental illness dictate what I can and cannot do.
This is where having better motivation would really help. It would help me to just get out and get stuff done, although the aspect of over-doing it weighs heavy on me. The toll that doing too much takes on me is immense, and something that I don't enjoy dealing with. All I want to do is to be able to come up with excuses around what I am not able to do so that there is reason to avoid any anxiety inducing experiences. I know that this is not the way forward, though. It would be taking a step backwards and allowing the anxiety to really control my life.
Thinking about today, I need to just focus on the moment and not the big picture. If I look at the overall scope of things, I am wounded and feel easily overwhelmed. For now, I am going to put my headphones on and listen to some music, hoping that it will be enough to keep the anxiety at bay so that I can be more stable in the hours to come. Here's to hoping that works.
Luckily my in-laws came to the rescue over the car issue, so there is a lot less stress over that.
I would like to say that there is a good reason for not getting anything posted in a while, but that would be a lie. There is never a good reason. It just seems that my motivation sucks. This is something that has changed a lot since my struggles with anxiety began. I used to be a very motivated person, and now those days are long gone.
I am not sure what it is about anxiety and lack of motivation. The simple fact that there is something that needs to be done can cause a lot of anxiety. Even if it is something that I would normally look forward to, having an event or task on my schedule brings with it a good dosage of ill feelings. This has honestly made life very difficult. The things that would normally be refuge for me (such as taking walks, hanging out with friends, and fishing) become something that promotes the very emotion that they are supposed to dismantle.
This blog is an example of that. It was supposed to be something that I did to help me deal with the anxiety, and instead it becomes a contributor to it. There is very little left that I can do that takes away the negative feelings without adding to it as well. It leaves me in quite the situation where self-care is extremely difficult to do.
There have definitely been feelings lately of being trapped in my anxiety. That there is nowhere to turn to to keep it at a minimum, and I fear that I will become an even more isolated person because of it. There is so much that I want to do and accomplish, and yet I feel like I am letting the mental illness dictate what I can and cannot do.
This is where having better motivation would really help. It would help me to just get out and get stuff done, although the aspect of over-doing it weighs heavy on me. The toll that doing too much takes on me is immense, and something that I don't enjoy dealing with. All I want to do is to be able to come up with excuses around what I am not able to do so that there is reason to avoid any anxiety inducing experiences. I know that this is not the way forward, though. It would be taking a step backwards and allowing the anxiety to really control my life.
Thinking about today, I need to just focus on the moment and not the big picture. If I look at the overall scope of things, I am wounded and feel easily overwhelmed. For now, I am going to put my headphones on and listen to some music, hoping that it will be enough to keep the anxiety at bay so that I can be more stable in the hours to come. Here's to hoping that works.
Scott, thank you for sharing this....... I find that good soothing worship music is excellent, don't do any head banging stuff, I find that never works.!!
ReplyDeleteAlmost everyone I know gets stress and anxiety when encontering financial hardship or having to put themselves out there for the public. Your anxiety and stress may be worse than many of them, but I think it is important to remember this is a very common emotion. You aren't an outsider or some wart infested unnormal. Remembering this will hopefully help not getting anxious about having anxiety.
ReplyDelete